15 days.

Seriously...I never ever ever want to smoke again....but SERIOUSLY...I feel like shit.

I don't want to do anything...I mean, I want to ...but it's so hard to find the energy to do it. I've been fighting a bug, I think, or I'm fighting depression and it's so inter-mixed for me that I'm really not sure which it is. My legs feel like I've been running a marathon....which I haven't done a thing this week that is physical.

I have a major cramp in my thigh??? How??? Don't have a clue as to how or why it's there, but it is. I find my OCD type of behaviors - yes, don't we all have them, to be getting a bit worse, if not a lot worse.

I still don't want to smoke.

So, honey, there, I updated.

Wow!

As down as my earlier post sounded - I feel really good right now.

The kids and I went to class tonight - karate. The warm up is a rather hardcore group of exercises that I've always been able to do, but got rather winded and there was one part that I could barely get through!

You see, there is this insane set of push ups that has elements of yoga in it. You stand straight, palms facing out and tucked right in front of your armpits, inner arms stuck to your sides. You fall in a straight line to the floor and you go from there to downward dog position, then into a pushup position, then you look left, raise your left leg, look right, raise your right leg, go from there back into downward dog position, then to I think it's called cobra position?, then back to dwd position and start all over again. This is done at a pretty quick pace. When you are done with the 5 reps (thankfully I'm only in the kids class - adult class does 10!!!) while your palms are still flat on the ground you jump up with your knees between your arms and go right to kick backs - this means your arms support all your weight and you sweep your body (kick it) back into a straight line and jump back up between your knees.

Yes, it is insane. Well, by the kickbacks would start, I'd be so winded and exhausted that I just couldn't do them - I'd get half of them, if that...well tonight I did them all and my daughter actually commented on it! She asked me how I was able to do them so fast! I swear it all has to do with not smoking!

Y'all just watch what I can do soon enough....dun dun dun!!!

DAY 7

FRICK...I just had this whole post and lost it.

I'm here.

Day 7

Exhausted.

Really, I am

When am I not going to be exhausted?

It's going to be a really nice wonderful spectacular day when that happens.

Motivation

Okay, I think I'm kind of hard on myself most days.

Let's put this into perspective.

No, I didn't get much done during the day yesterday.

But I did - reconnect with an old friend.

Finished washing laundry.

Cleaned up the kitchen.

Made three lunches.

Spackled the ceiling.

Made a mess.

Folded some laundry with hubby.

Helped make dinner.

Okay, so I got some stuff done, but it certainly didn't feel like it...

Sp

Day 6

I've made it this far.

Yesterday was actually quite a bad day...don't know why.

I had absolutely no motivation whatsoever!

Not even to come on here and vent.

Not a bit.

Still very un-motivated today, but I'm going to turn that around.

Went to karate last night and afterward I felt much better.

I think I really need to be doing something physical...most all the time right now...just keep moving.

Day 5

Woke up this morning before I had to... the sleep thing has been funny.

Either I'm exhausted or I'm wired.

Slept GREAT last night...slept horribly the night before.

I need to be doing stuff though...

If I thought I couldn't just chill and relax before, I really can't now. I need to be perpetually busy.

Occupied

Moving

Doing

Something

Anything

It's like I'm trying to get that high from something else that I used to get from smoking.

And, I find myself with a lot more time on my hands.

Which may sound good...but more time to fill up during my day.

Too bad I'm STILL not motivated to do the stuff I really should be doing ...like paperwork, etc.

Day 4

Waking up I didn't feel so bad. I was actually able to go back to how I used to do things:

I'd make coffee, make three lunches, make my little guy's breakfast, get my daughter on the bus, finish the dishes (either load or unload), then put the dog out and have a cig. All of that in the matter of 45 minutes to an hour BEFORE having a smoke.

Couldn't do that for 2 days - had to basically have that gum right away.

Today, nope. Did everything I usually do, then had the gum :)

Makes me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Had the strangest dreams last night though and really never fell into a deep deep sleep. I felt myself on the periphery all night long.

Yoga in 1 hour and 45 minutes.

72 hours later...

Still doing this thing. And here are my benefits so far...

Time after last cigarette	Physical Response
20 minutes	Blood pressure and pulse rates return to normal.
8 hours	Levels of carbon monoxide and oxygen in the blood return to normal.
24 hours	Chance of heart attack begins to decreases.
48 hours	Nerve endings start to regrow. Your ability to taste and smell increases.
72 hours	Bronchial tubes relax and the lungs can fill with more air.
2 weeks to 3 months	Improved circulation; lung function increases up to 30%.
1 to 9 months	Decreased rates of coughing, sinus infection, fatigue, and shortness of breath; regrowth of cilia in the airways, increasing the ability to clear mucus and clean the lungs and reducing the chance of infection; overall energy level increases.
Long-Term Effects	After a year, risk of dying from heart attack and stroke is reduced by up to 50%.

It helps to look at this list as a milestone achieved :) I need constant reinforcement for things I accomplish and it seems looking at something like this is really beneficial for me!!!! (As I chomp away on a piece of gum).

Overall, I'm alright. I finally took a bath and it felt great!

Relaxing and overall just good.

I cooked a really great dinner tonight, although not the healthiest, but it was tasty. I ate a lot of salad and, believe it or not, I've not been overly hungry. I was sooo hungry when I started cooking, but then when I started to eat, I really wasn't.

I have yoga in the morning, which I'm anxious to see if I feel any differently tomorrow.

Motivation

I'm not motivated today...I've done some stuff...but really, it's a struggle.

I haven't smoked - woo hoo...and I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

I HAVE stretched and done some sit ups.

I've done some laundry - not folded - but have washed it.

We went sledding...I went...wasn't into it...

I guess what I really mean, is I have done stuff today - but most of it was on my own.

That's really what I wanted - to be on my own today.

The brief conversations I've had today haven't been the nicest.

I bit my husband's head off - sorry honey.

Probably was a little too short with the kids.

I'm much better off being quiet.

Quiet is good right now.

I've not even taken a shower yet today ... that's a little frightening for me.

I can remember the times I've been at my worst depression wise, and it was usually the shower that was the first to go.

Why? I don't know, just feels like such a chore to me to undress, get in the shower, do everything like lotion, yada yada yada, the hair is wet, that needs drying, then you have to get dressed...sounds so silly when it's all typed up ... but it's exhausting thinking about it.

Really just exhausting.

My body really hurt when I woke up this morning too.

I started karate and yoga last week - it's not that kind of hurt - it's a fatigue type of hurt.

I'm muddling through though. Day three is almost over and I've made it this far.

Day Three

I'm just so tired today. Really really really tired.

I think the mornings are the worst on the tired feelings.

Let's face it, I'm not a morning person, this is no surprise to anyone who knows me, but it's that feeling, of not being awake and functional, multiplied by about 45.

Really, it is.

Just had to have my first piece of gum already.

The coffee doesn't seem to help in the mornings, or at all actually.

Isn't that weird? I wonder if there is some correlation?

I mean, I used to make a cup of coffee and I'd feel awake after I drank it.

I'm staring at my big ass mug and I don't feel anymore awake than I did when I got up a little while ago!

Whatever! I need about three more cups right now.

We didn't make it to church this morning either because I fell back to sleep.

I feel bad actually...I was the one who said to the kids, alright, remember, we're going to church tomorrow. But I could not drag my ass out of bed - no way, no how.

48 hours later

Still smoke free...in the big picture...this is not so bad...

The withdrawals are a lot less than doing this without the gum.

But it definitely concerns me about how addicting this gum is going to be for me.

I can hear a voice I know quite well "Stay in the moment"

I'm in the moment.

It's been 48 hours.

2 days.

I have not had a cigarette.

I have not fallen apart.

I have not, really, too badly, snapped at anyone.

I can do this.

I can I can I can I can

I am doing this

7:15 p.m. 1/10/09

44 hours...

I can now see why some former smokers I know have the cleanest houses I've ever been in.

You have to do something with all that pent up shtuff that you're dealing with.

I just moved all the coaches around and swept, and then reswept and swept again.

I'm edgy, but I'm also hypoglycemic right now.

Dinner's taking a little longer than I thought, but I was on a mission to get the Christmas stuff away.

It's not quite done, but almost.

I've hung up my coat in the closet.

Seems random, right?

Actually, it's not.

I always hung my coat on the newell post at the bottom of the stair because I'd always need it to go back out to have a smoke.

Well, I don't need instant access anymore.

It's hung up in the closet now.

Trying to change my habits.

Trying not to think about it.

Bought cinnamon flavored, tea tree oil toothpicks today to chew on ...it's helping.

4:45 p.m.

All I want to do is go outside ... light up and have a smoke.

Seriously.

It's all I want to do.

I feel like I've never fully woken up today.

I just want to go to sleep.

Really.

That's all I want to do.

That...and have a cigarette.

I know...how lame am I???

Teary - 12:40 p.m.

SHIT! Seriously! Tearing up..hate that feeling...don't have control over it.

Just tearing up for not apparent reason other than that's what my body wants to do.

FUCK.

37 hours

Smoke free.

Man, but seriously, I have a headache.

Between the snow - again - and the withdrawal, it's tough.

Have so much support coming in from people :)

People really encouraging me.

It truly is helpful.

Physically - very very thirsty.

Interestingly enough - for the past few months my sense of smell has been hyper-sensitive.

Well, I knew that it was going to go off the deep end when I stopped smoking, and it's started already.

Some of it is great, and some, not so great.

Could really smell my shampoo/conditioner in the shower a little while ago. Smelled good.

Could also smell a slight under tone of that musty/moldy smell on my towel which was fresh and clean from the closet.

YUCK! I know me and all the towels are going to have to be re-washed.

Sprayed my perfume on. Whoa, smells different than I thought - isn't that weird. It's stronger, which I expected, but...can't place my finger on it, it's just a different smell.

Then, there are my teeth.

I noticed how REALLY yellow they are.

I mean I know they are yellow from all the years I have smoked and all the coffee I drink...

But I really noticed just a while ago. Will be happy when they are white again.

Have a dentist appointment for a cleaning coming up soon :) That's just a coincidence, btw.

Day Two

Perhaps today will be a bigger challenge than yesterday.

I have a wicked headache - already took ibuprophen, has not kicked in yet.

I'm coughing, coughing, coughing - but I know that's really good for me - getting all that crap out of my lungs!

But the kids and the husband are the problem.

Yes, honey, I know you're going to read this.

My daughter and my husband are butting heads as we speak.

Why? Because they can.

They are my challenge for the moment.

12:30 a.m. 1/10/09

I've officially made it over the 24 hour mark! Pat pat pat!

I'm proud of myself at this moment. I've done good ;)

Was at a book club meeting all night.

Opted not to drink wine.

Had a great time.

Didn't get snippy with anyone.

I have a hard time leaving the house and not going to grab for a cigarette.

Feels weird not to.

Makes me want one more when I realize I can't.

Just thought about how nice field trips with any of the kids will be in the future.

No nic fits...no wondering how I'll sneak off to have one.

No worrying if anyone sees me, smells me, knows where I went. I won't have to go anywhere.

Feel WIDE awake though. Not good.

7:22 p.m.

Been saying this for years ... Once I quite smoking I get depressed - and I mean really depressed. I've battled depression most of my life - and even smoking for as long as I have, I still battle it.

In August when I gave it a full shot cold turkey quitfest - I literally was sobbing uncontrollably the day that I had actually not had any nicotine in my system: I said I believe I have been self-medicating for all of these years.... guess what I just found...

Withdrawal from nicotine

Definition Return to top

Nicotine withdrawal involves irritability, headache, and craving for cigarettes or other sources of nicotine. These symptoms occur when a nicotine-dependent individual suddenly stops smoking or using tobacco, or cuts back on the number of cigarettes or tobacco products used.

See also:

• Smoking - tips on how to quit
• Smoking hazards

Causes Return to top

Almost all people who try to quit have some form of nicotine withdrawal. Generally, people who smoked the longest or smoked a greater number of cigarettes each day are more likely to have withdrawal symptoms.

People who are regular smokers tend to have particularly strong cravings and worsening of withdrawal symptoms at certain times, places, or situations associated with smoking.

Symptoms Return to top

How severe your symptoms are depends on how long you smoked and how many cigarettes you smoked each day. Common symptoms include:

• An intense craving for nicotine
• Tension
• Irritability
• Headaches
• Difficulty in concentrating
• Drowsiness and trouble sleeping
• Increased appetite and weight gain.

A milder form of nicotine withdrawal, involving some or all of these symptoms, can occur when a smoker switches from regular to low-nicotine cigarettes or significantly cuts down on the number of cigarettes smoked.

Symptoms of nicotine withdrawal can mimic, disguise, or aggravate the symptoms of other psychiatric problems, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

Treatment Return to top

There are several strategies for treating nicotine withdrawal. Nicotine supplements can help. They are come in several forms:

• Gum
• Inhalers
• Nasal spray
• Skin patch

All work well if used properly. People are more likely to use the gum and patches correctly than other forms.

Non-habit forming prescription medications may help you quit smoking and keep you from starting again. Such medicines include:

• Bupropion (Wellbutrin, Zyban)
• Varenicline (Chantix)

Short-term use of the antidepressant medication bupropion (Wellbutrin, Zyban), along with a quit-smoking program, may help you quit. Using bupropion or nicotine replacement therapies alone doubles the odds of successful quitting. A combination of these methods increases success rates even more.

Varenicline (Chantrix) is a newer smoking cessation medicine. It blocks the effects of nicotine and eases withdrawal symptoms. There is some evidence that it may be more helpful in quitting smoking than buspirone.

Other medications include clonidine, antidepressants such as fluoxetine (Prozac), and buspirone (Buspar). Since nicotine itself has antidepressant effects -- and many smokers unknowingly smoke to self-medicate depression -- use of antidepressants to relieve withdrawal may be particularly helpful.

A screening test for depression may also be helpful to ensure proper treatment and increase the odds of maintaining smoking abstinence.

People trying to quit smoking often become discouraged when they don't succeed at first. Research shows that the more times you try, the more likely you are to succeed -- so don't give up! If you aren't successful the first time you try to quit, look at what occurred or what didn't work, think of new ways to quit smoking, and try again. Many attempts are often necessary to finally "beat the habit."

Outlook (Prognosis) Return to top

Nicotine withdrawal is short-lived and symptoms should pass in time, usually less than a week. While withdrawal is the most uncomfortable part of quitting, the real challenge is beating long-term cravings and staying away from tobacco.

Like any addiction, quitting tobacco is difficult, particularly if you are acting alone. If you join smoking cessation programs, you have a much better chance of success. Such programs are offered by hospitals, health departments, community centers, and work sites.

The best quit-smoking programs combine multiple strategies to help keep you from starting smoking again. Counseling by telephone can be as helpful and as effective as face-to-face counseling.

Possible Complications Return to top

The most likely complication will be a return to smoking. Weight gain due to increased eating also may occur. This is much less unhealthy than continuing to smoke, and those with concerns about weight should address them while quitting so that they do not undermine their attempts to stay away from cigarettes.

Withdrawal may also sometimes bring on a relapse of major depression, bipolar disorder, or substance abuse problems.

When to Contact a Medical Professional Return to top

See your health care provider if you wish to stop smoking, or have already done so and are experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Your provider can help provide treatments, some of which are only available by prescription.

See - I'm not crazy or TALKING OUT MY ASS which I think some people think I do when I've said the exact same thing above. They think, she's making excuses.

I've tried the Zyban (Wellbutrin) and I was highly allergic. I was on Paxil a long time ago and I was a complete zombie...

Perhaps I should see how I bide over the next few days and make a docs appointment if I start spiraling again.

I may trade yet another drug, for another drug for another drug...but again, still better than smoking...right?

6:07 p.m.

I had an epiphany.

You may think - well, duh!

But it was an epephany to me ... I CAN do this.

I looked in the mirror.

I look like shit.

I look wrung out.

I look like a heroin addict that's coming down from their high.

I really do.

Pasty, pail, dark circles, licking my lips.

Know what? I hate that I look like this because of a drug.

I don't want to ever look like this again.

I am determined to find what normal is for me without smoking.

I am totally convinced I will be addicted to the gum, but I know I'll eventually not be.

I am willing to swap one for the other.

"They" say nicotine is the addicting thing in cigarettes...if that was true, then why do I feel like such shit and look like such shit if I'm putting nicotine into my body, but only through a different method.

I don't believe that nicotine is the only thing that one gets addicted to.

I believe that it's ALSO all the other SHIT they put in the cigarettes.

4:53 pm.

Still have not had a cigarette.

Have NOT fallen apart.

Have NOT snapped at anyone.

Am Really foggy.

Takes a concerted effort to really do ... anything.

Took a nap.

Very thirsty.

Got lots of hugs from my kids.

12:52 p.m.

For real...now I'm tired. So very very tired.

I've eaten lunch, and now I'm going to lay down.

Perhaps take a nap.

Ya think this could be why people gain weight when they quit? I think it's only part of it.

I purposefully made something really salty tasting for lunch - one, as a reward for not smoking, and two - I needed to really taste something other than the peppery gum.

I have also been thinking about so much today...

Foggy...can't even think how it went exactly, but it was brillian ;)

Working towards normal or something like that and what exactly is going to be normal if I've been smoking since I was 12 which is, broken down in the simplest form, self-medicating???

11:52 a.m.

There have definitely been three separate occassions where I actually was like "FUCK" I really want a cigarette and it's only 11:53 a.m.

I have not caved.

I have not submitted

I'm about to have my 3rd piece of gum.

I'm allowed to have one every one to 2 hours.

Trying to delay gratification.

Last piece was started at 10:15.

I can have a piece right now.

But I can type too...and then I won't think about the fact that I want a piece of gum.

Gum staring at me.

Opening gum.

SHIT!

Not supposed to have gum until 15 minutes have passed since I last drank something.

Coffee now sticking tongue out at me saying "Nanny nanny boo boo!"

Really foggy - not sleepy so much - foggy.

Feels like a hangover head ... the kind where the headache is gone already, but you're off kilter.

Been dizzy off and on all morning - partially from gum - partially from my vertigo.

Scored amazingly well on this stupid stupid word game I play on line...best score yet...beat my friend.

No body bags lying on the floor.

Although, have not spoken to many people yet today.

9:02 a.m.

Been dizzy off and on since I started chewing the gum.

Must be doing something wrong.

I'll get the hang of it I'm sure.

Feeling rather foggy though, gotta say.

Not snappy though, which is a bonus.

But, dizzy, for sure.

Very very thirsty.

Finally tasted that peppery tingly taste that the pamphlet talks about. Makes me cough.

Got nervous for a minute because it almost feels like an anaphylactic type sensation on the back of my throat. But, it's not, it's just the peppery tasting stuff going back there.

2 hours, 30 minutes smoke free. I'm off to face the world now - have a meeting...greeeeeeeat.

Goodbyes

I guess I should have marked the date and time of my final cigarette.

It was last night, January 8, 2009 at approximately 11:15 p.m.

No pomp and circumstance.

Although I have been thinking longingly about it all morning; the actual smoking of it, that is.

There were NO big farewells. I was tired and wanted to go to bed and knew it would be my last one.

AND - I was already depressed about the "thought" of quitting again last night - had a crappy night in karate which didn't help my mood!

So, I dragged myself out of bed, went outside, lit up, shivered and shook on the back deck - won't miss that - and barely finished it.

Goodbye and good riddance - hee hee ... so easy to type, I'd light one up right now if I knew I could get away with it.

I hate those people who can have one or two or three or four whenever they feel like it and not have one for months or a week or whatever and be fine!

Hate them.

No. Really. I do. Seriously. I hate them.

Day ONE

I've been up since 6:36 a.m.....tick tock tick tock ... it's now 7:58 a.m. - no gum or cigs yet

Getting very testy

Gum SOON!


8:10 a.m. Feeling VERY VERY testy. Seriously - is this physiological or psychological?? Either way...seriously, every body is grating my last nerve this morning.

8:12 a.m. ...first piece of gum...this stuff is weird - tastes good though. You have to chew it slowly until it tingles, then park it between your cheek and gum for a few minutes until the tingle is gone, then start over and do this again and again.

8:14 a.m. Still tingling...my stomach feels like ... hmmm... remember the first time you drank Peppermint Schnapps - like that. Chewing...more of the same feeling in stomach. Not sure if I actually feel better yet...seems like I may be feeling less like chopping someone's head off though.

Will check in later...will be testing myself out on the real, outside world by 9:30 and have to look presentable.

One last thing...seriously? Is the stomach thing the tingle???

Preparations

I have purchased a box of 210 pieces of 2mg Nicorette Gum...I have NOT bought a pack of cigarettes to replace the one in my pocket that is almost gone.

I am ready to try this again.

I am worried that I'll fail, again.

I am scared I'll spiral into a depression, again.

I am nervous about biting people's heads off.

I am angry that I may not be in control of how I am feeling on the inside.

I am angry that I may not behave the way I would like to to the people I love.

I am PISSED that I am an addict!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am confident that I really want to stop.

I am determined to make this work eventually.

I am signed up with Committed Quitters.

I am certain my children will be happy about this.

I am sure my husband is too.

I am sure I never want my children to emulate this behavior.

I am worth it - so are they.


TOP 5 REASONS TO STOP:

My Daughter
My 1st Son
My 2nd Son
My Husband
MYSELF